White House fool report: I channel Maureen Dowd

Normal Chelovechik.

Apologies to President Obama, who was as it turns out not trolling me at all. Actually he was trolling National Review's Andrew Stuttaford-Stuttaford of That Ilk, I think:

(I’m sorry Mr. President, Russia is rather more than the “regional power” that you were — ludicrously — claiming the other day)

And Dr. Krauthammer:

Where does one begin? Hitler’s Germany and Tojo’s Japan were also regional powers, yet managed to leave behind at least 50 million dead. And yes, Russia should be no match for the American superpower. Yet under this president, Russia has run rings around America, from the attempted ingratiation of the “reset” to America’s empty threats of “consequences” were Russia to annex Crimea.

And obviously Tsar Vladimir Vladimirovich himself, the emperor of the regional power, the person to whom the president was in fact addressing himself. I think we were mistakenly listening as if he were talking to us in the Brussels speech, making it sound completely presposterous, as Mr. Pierce said, when we were in fact merely overhearing his message to V.V., which was something like the following, with the offending text first and then a translation in the language of Maureen Dowd.

Now, it is true that the Iraq war was a subject of vigorous debate, not just around the world but in the United States, as well. I participated in that debate, and I opposed our military intervention there. But even in Iraq, America sought to work within the international system. We did not claim or annex Iraq’s territory. We did not grab its resources for our own gain. Instead, we ended our war and left Iraq to its people in a fully sovereign Iraqi state that can make decisions about its own future.

Now, it is true that the Iraq war was one of the stupidest and most criminal enterprises the United States ever undertook, as you may recall my hinting at the time—you wouldn't expect me to come out and say it, would you, and then get stuck putting half my predecessor's cabinet under indictment? I'm dealing with people who'll call me a dictator for a minor deadline extension on people buying health insurance. No, Volodya, I guess that doesn't happen in Russia.

But even George W. Bush, I was saying, possibly the most irrational person to occupy the White House since the last time it was occupied by a freedom-loving slaveholder, tried to come up with a pretext the international community could live with when he wanted to have a war; he didn't go after Baja or Michoacán. There's only one principle the United Nations really cares about, and that's the one he chose to respect: the principle of territorial integrity. Whereas you, you Ruritanian, had to go precisely after that one and grab a province, giving me my opening.

"Blinchiki tigryata".

What exactly was your plan there, little guy? Compensating much? Nine time zones not wide enough for you?

Whatever, it didn't work. Georgie who you think you are so superior to got his coalition of the killing together back in 2003, you no longer have any kind of coaltion at all: you just lost Azerbaijan and Uzbekistan, for heaven's sake, and you can't even get reliable support from Belarus or Armenia! And just when China and Kazakhstan have realized how much they have in common that doesn't necessarily include you. Kyrgyzstan is still good though, so there's that.

And while it's true that Georgie's party had to pay a price as yet not fully determined for Iraq, and I had to clean up his mess, or rather walk away from it as quietly as I could, I was able to do it without any loss of face. But you, Vladitka, my little fur-coated herring, have no way out that isn't humiliating. And your stock market's down 18% for the year! Not very pleasant for your friends, is it?

Nevertheless I believe in looking forward, not back, as I always say. And unlike Georgie you haven't killed anybody on your adventure there. It's a little too late to get you out of Crimea, but maybe I can help you look a bit better, if not taller. Give me a call, chelovechik.

Which, of course, Putin did. He got to read his possibly imaginary anti-Russian thugs into the record, and he got to bring up Transnistria (O my prophetic soul! You read about it here), and we got Paris talks between Kerry and Lavrov, commencing as I'm just about to post this. We'll see what happens next.

In the meantime, hardly anybody seems to have noticed, but it looks like there's an Obama Doctrine and Gary Sick has figured out what it is. I advise you to have a look.

Image via Putinator.