Bigger than Friedman?

Urp—Must have been something I colonized...

Dear Vladimir Vladimirovich,

Congratulations on the Times Op-Ed! I see they gave you top billing between Collins and Kristof above the fold, over Miriam Zoll and Pamela Tsigdinos, two nice women who want to help people get over their disappointment when fertility treatments fail. Pretty heady stuff, I'd imagine, finding yourself in that kind of company, for somebody from faraway Russia.

And you're starting to attract quite a bit of attention, too! [jump]

For instance from Fox News's Ralph Peters:

I don't like Putin, but I respect that guy. He is tough. He delivers what he says he'll deliver. He knows his people. He presents himself as a real He-Man....But he lives up to it! Our president talks tough, but in the clinch he's gutless.

Or Mr. Max Boot, late of the Fighting 101st Keyboarders who covered themselves with so much glory defeating the terrorists in Iraq:

The situation in Syria is about as grim as you can imagine—and Vladimir Putin is loving every minute of it. That impression comes across very strongly in his New York Times op-ed today in which he takes a typically brazen victory lap after having wrestled global leadership, at least temporarily, away from a confused and hesitant American president.

Or Mr. Samuel Gonzales, a married Christian, not soft like the National Review, who appears to be unfamiliar with marionettes:

Putin is the Marionette and Obama is the wooden puppet.  It’s embarrassing to see a U.S. president played so badly.  But, hey I didn’t vote for the guy.  I had good reason.  I knew Obama was a media created fraud.  Putin is demonstrating that point quite effectively. 

(Not to mention, from the self-denominated "left", Mr. Bob Dreyfuss, amply discussed in an earlier post.) Or even yourself!

RECENT events surrounding Syria have prompted me to speak directly to the American people and their political leaders. It is important to do so at a time of insufficient communication between our societies.

How true—how crucial it is that every American should be aware of what's on your mind. Which reminds me, I hope you won't delay much longer in setting up that English-language Twitter account. I'm not exaggerating when I say you could be as big as Ashton Kutcher.

But you're going to have to be more careful about branding. I just have to scratch my head when I see you saying things like,

The law is still the law, and we must follow it whether we like it or not. Under current international law, force is permitted only in self-defense or by the decision of the Security Council. Anything else is unacceptable under the United Nations Charter and would constitute an act of aggression. 

Is this that tough-guy Vladimir Vladimirovich we've come to respect so much? Did you ask permission from the Security Council to snatch up colonies from that bitchy little Georgia? Of course not. And yet you allow yourself to sound like some limp-wristed American liberal.

Or,

No one doubts that poison gas was used in Syria. But there is every reason to believe it was used not by the Syrian Army, but by opposition forces, to provoke intervention by their powerful foreign patrons, who would be siding with the fundamentalists.

Are you suggesting there's something wrong with a little false-flag operation? If you'd been so fussy back in 1999, when the FSB staged its apartment house bombings and killed 300 people to make it look like Chechen terrorists were active in Moscow, you'd never have made it to the presidency. Hell, you might not even have held onto prime minister! And if you keep harping on it, you know, people are going to start thinking you're the one who gassed Damascus. Hey, wait a minute—you didn't, did you?

Image from International Times.

I appreciate that you see President Obama as your main competitor on the world stage. But you can't beat him by being him. When he's doing his all-we-are-saying-is-give-peace-a-chance shtik, he looks like he means it; you just look like you have indigestion. It's the belligerent little dickhead Putin that's captured the American imagination.

And be mindful that it's not going to last forever. One of these days, after Bashar has moved to Moscow and spends his time slinging back vodkas and playing Grand Theft Auto with Edward Snowden, it will be clear that Obama was the clever one and you the one who got rolled. You'll need to position yourself before the time comes. You could try modeling, but I think your legs are a little short—maybe those nipple shots on the Abercrombie & Fitch bags pay reasonably well. Your best bet, though, would be to launch a personally designed perfume, something macho, with a gunpowder bass, and an elusive top note of polonium.

Or you might try a Burger King Canada franchise. "Hey, Monsieur le Président, y a une espèce de frites nommées pour vous!" "Bien, donnez-moi un Vladka."