Friday, December 18, 2020

Red pills make you larger, and blue pills think you're small


Set design by Cabot McMullen, via Forbes.

In the past two weeks, the people familiar with the matter note, Trump has casually slipped into conversation lines such as, “How would you like to see The Apprentice come back?” and “Remember The Apprentice?” (Lachlan Cartwright and Asawin Suebsaeng, extracted from behind the Daily Beast paywall by Aldous J Pennyfarthing/Kos)

December 18, 2020

Dear Mark,

As you may have heard, I have been "fired" recently, that is to say moving operations underground, like Mr. Bannon and Mr. Parscale. I will be taking the opportunity to devote more time to keeping our friend and my client calm by preparing for the MAGA Apprentice project, for which you have expressed your interest in working as producer, and I'm writing you now by way of organizing my thoughts, for your consideration:

1. Mr. Trump is particularly anxious to have it understood that this is not any ordinary reality show. While he would love to go back to the carefree days of The Apprentice, he is, after all, the president, and will continue to be the real President of the United States after January 20, in default of a legitimate election having taken place. But it will be difficult for him to exercise his powers and carry out his duties after the Biden puppet government occupies Washington, other than on television. 

Thus, the show we produce will not be just another contest, but effectively the ongoing Trump presidency, as he makes incredible deals for the American people, drains the swamp, and makes America great again. 

2. At the same time, it is television, which means it needs to be compact, suspenseful, and entertaining, and not take up too much of Mr. Trump's schedule, leaving him adequate time during the year for golf, addressing stadium rallies, and supervising his many important and successful businesses and litigations. The Apprentice concept that you and he originally developed is actually perfect for these purposes, since a season can be shot in three months, leaving the rest of the year free, but the format has to be adapted to go along with the political content.

3. Thus, in our proposal, the apprentices will be working for a government rather than a corporation, on a different project each season; for example, creating healthcare for the American people that is much better and cheaper than Obamacare, eating China's lunch, or building a wall and making Mexico pay for it. The government will be a streamlined one with unitary executive, to eliminate the unnecessary complications of a Congress or Supreme Court, and the contestants themselves serving as cabinet secretaries.

Instead of "teams", they will be divided into parties, let's say a Green one and an Orange one, reflecting Mr. Trump's desire to end partisan bickering and unify the country. At the end of each episode, one secretary will receive a blanket pardon for any crimes he or she may commit in the following episode, and one will be fired and replaced by an Acting Secretary (probably off-camera and fictional, there's no reason to pay an actor for that).

4. We were originally talking about shooting in Toronto, but Mr. Trump has taken a dislike to the place. Do you think you could get us an MGM sound stage in Southern California, in helicopter commuting distance from the Rancho Palos Verdes golf course?

5. We think it makes sense to go straight to the celebrity phase, if only to ensure that any contestants of color are people Mr. Trump feels comfortable with. We might start, for instance, with Omarosa as the villainous head of Office of Management and Budget, and Dr. Ben Carson at HUD, if he's agreeable, as he always is. In general, it makes good commercial sense to use celebrities, who are bringing their own branding and sense of fun, especially those who have already been on both sides, like dance mavens Sean Spicer and Governor Perry, who never got a chance to abolish the agency he was assigned to four years ago and has told us (keep it quiet) he'd like to try again, maybe with education this time. Scott Baio is absolutely in for attorney general, and that one you can mention when you're shopping for a network (I'm assuming NBC won't be interested).

Mark, I can't tell you how excited I am to be working on this with you, and so is Mr. Trump! The metaphysical significance of the project is inestimable. For the first time in media history, the reality show will actually be reality, while people living in traditional reality will literally be performing in a puppet show. 

We will be, in a sense, creating the Matrix.

I look forward to your comments. Bannon and Cardinal Viganò both send their regards and asked me to assure you that if MAGA Apprentice goes well they will get you 30 years off your Purgatory sentence.

All best,


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