Literary Corner: Ramp, the Bootleg Tape

You know what? This is fantastic. pic.twitter.com/AkVzGC1zM0

— DeMarcus 🛹 (@semperdiced) June 21, 2020

Emperor Trump's road show has been likened to the Grateful Dead, for the loyal fans, Trumpheads, who follow it from town to town, making it look as if he has a sizable following in every town on the tour, competing with one another as to who's seen him the most times.

He also resembles the Dead, it occurs to me, in the way he trots out his greatest hits for the audience, stories we've heard in canned versions now pulled out and prolonged with spun-out psychedelic riffs, of which this incredible 14-minute jam on his latest chart-buster Epic of the Ramp (illustrated with photos evoking the stage directions) has to be the most stunning of all time:

 

Sing, O Muse, the Ramp of Achilles

by Donald J. Trump

You know, it was interesting. To show you how fake they are. You might have 

seen it. So last week they called me, and they say, ‘Sir, West Point. West Point. 

We’re ready.’ I said, ‘Oh that’s right, I have to make a commencement speech 

at West Point.’ You know they delayed it for six weeks because of COVID. So 

they delayed it. And I went there, 1106 cadets were graduating, and beautiful. 

Beautiful cadets. So, just to show you how bad the fake news is. So, they say to me, 

‘Sir! We’re ready to go.’ I say, ‘Let’s go!’ This is after saying hello to a lot 

of cadets; inspecting little areas of a building. That was very exciting, actually, 

it’s beautiful, very old. Studied a lot of our great generals, some of our presidents 

that went there. West Point is beautiful. Right on the Hudson River. But after an 

hour – the general that runs it is a fantastic guy – after an hour, we land, we 

do some more inspections and they say, ‘Sir are you ready?’ ‘Yes, I am.’ So 

we walk like, the equivalent of about three blocks, which was fine. We go on stage, 

which is fine. They make some speeches, then I make a speech. It lasted a long time, 

I don’t know, maybe 45 minutes, maybe longer, I don’t know, but a long time. The sun 

is pouring down on me. OK? But they said to me before the speech, ‘Sir! Would you

 like to salute each cadet, each single cadet? Or maybe they’ll be in groups 

of two. Would you like to salute? Like this, yes. 

Like this. 

Almost six hundred times. Do you know what that is? Six hundred times. Thank 

God they were in twos. Cause let me tell you, you do that six hundred times, 

you go home and you say – it’s like doing a workout without a weight, right? 

Six hundred times. So I did that. Then the incredible helicopters, brand new, 

gorgeous helicopters, the Apaches and the other new ones that we just bought, 

so they fly over. And the kids throw the hats in the air, it’s beautiful, it 

really is, and it was a beautiful day. And we’re all finished. I was on the s

tage for hours. Hours! Sun – I came home, I had a nice tan. Meaning 

I had a nice sunburn. The sun’s going right, like that. 

But I make the speech. Right? I salute for, probably an hour-and-a-half. 

Maybe more, but around that. Watch, if I’m off by two minutes, they’ll say, 

‘He exaggerated! It was only an hour and 25 minutes. He exaggerated, 

he lied. He lied, he’s a liar.’ These people are sick, the fake news. 

So then, I finish saluting my final salute, I said, ‘Thank goodness, thank you very much.’ 

But think of it. So, essentially, almost six hundred times. Now, the general 

says, ‘Sir, are you ready?’ I said, ‘I’m ready general. Where are we going now?’ 

You have to understand, I left early in the morning to get there. Now 

it’s sort of late in the afternoon. A lot of these fakers were with us, so they know. 

He said, ‘Sir! We can now leave the stage.’ I said, ‘That’s great general, let’s 

go, I’ll follow you.’ And he goes like this, ‘Right here, sir.’ And I walk off. 

And the stage was higher than this one. And the ramp was probably 

10 yards long. I say, ‘General!’ Now you’ve got to understand, I’ve 

got the whole corps of cadets looking at me. And I want them to love 

their President; I did this big thing. I love them, I love them, they’re incredible, and 

they do. I said, ‘General! I’ve got myself a problem, general. Because I’m wearing 

leather-bottomed shoes.’ Which is good if you’re walking on flat surfaces. It’s not 

good for ramps. And if I fall down – look at all those press back there, look at that. 

 

And this was a steel ramp. You all saw it, because everybody saw it. This was a steel 

ramp, it had no handrail. It was like an ice-skating rink. And I said, ‘General, I have 

a problem.’ And he didn’t understand that at first. I said, ‘There’s no way!’ You

understand, I just saluted almost six hundred times, I just made a big speech. I sat

for other speeches. I’m being baked. I’m being baked like a cake! I said, ‘General,

there’s no way I can make it down that ramp without falling on my ass, general.

I have no railing.’ True. It’s true! So I said, ‘Is there like something else around?’

‘Sir, the ramp is ready to go! Grab me, sir! Grab me.’ I didn’t really want to grab

him. You know why? Because I said, ‘That’ll be a story too.’ So now I have

a choice, I can stay up there for another couple of hours and wait till I’m rescued,

or I can go down this really steep, really, really really – it’s an ice-skating rink,

it’s brutal. So I said, ‘General, get ready, because I may grab you so fast.’

Because I can’t fall with the fake news watching. If I fall – I remember when

President Ford fell out of the plane. You remember? I remember when another

president, nice man, threw up in Japan. And they did slow motion replays.

True! Right? It’s true. ‘I don’t want that, general.’ Now he’s standing,

big strong guy, and he’s got these shoes. But they’re loaded with

rubber on the bottom. Cause I looked. The first thing I did, I looked

at his shoes. Then I looked at mine. Very, very slippery. So I end up

saying, ‘OK general, let’s go, I will only grab you if I need you.’

That’s not a good story; falling would be a disaster. It turned out to be

worse than anything. I would have been better off if I fell and slid down the

damn ramp. Right? So what happens, is I start the journey! Inch by inch, right? 

And I was really bent over too, you know, I didn’t like that. I didn’t like this picture. 

This picture I’m sure will be an ad by the fakers. So I was bent over, right? 

And then we finally reached almost the end! And the fake news, the most dishonest

human beings, they cut it off. You know why? Because when I was 10 feet short,

I said, ‘General, I’m sorry, I’m -,’ and then I ran down the rest, right? I looked

very handsome. That was the only good part. I wouldn’t want to run down

the whole thing, because a fall there would definitely be bad. So I took these

little steps, I ran down the last 10. And by the way, their tape – take a look.

In almost every instance, it ends just before I run. And they said, it was

the number one trending story. I call my wife. I said, ‘How good was

that speech? I thought it was a-’, hey look, I’ll tell you when I make

good ones and bad ones. Like, so far, tonight I’m average. But

we’re having fun. We’re having fun. So far tonight. But I call my

wife and I said, ‘How good was it darling?’ She said, ‘You’re

trending number one.’ I said, to our great First Lady I said,

‘Let me ask you a question. Was it that good, the speech, that I’m

trending number one? Because I felt it was really good.’

‘No no, they don’t even mention the speech. They mention the 

fact that you may have Parkinson’s disease.' It’s true. It’s true! 

 

They say, ‘There’s something wrong with our President!’ I’ll let you know if there’s 

something wrong, OK? I’ll let you know if there’s something – I’ll tell you what,

there’s something wrong with Biden. That I can tell you. So then my wife said,

‘Well, it wasn’t only the ramp. Did you have water?’ I said, ‘Yeah, I was

speaking for a long time. I didn’t want to drink it, but I wanted to wet

my lips a little bit.’ You know, you’re working hard up there with the sun 

pouring down on you. I love this location, the sun’s like this. 

This way they save on lighting, right? That’s why they did it, probably. So what happens 

 is, I said, ‘What does it have to do with water?’ They said, ‘You couldn’t lift your 

hand up to your mouth with water.’ I said, ‘I just saluted six hundred times! Like this.

And this was before I saluted. So what’s the problem?’ And she said, ‘Well I know

what you did. You had on a very good red tie. That’s sort of expensive.’ It’s silk,

because they look better. They have a better sheen to them. And I don’t

want to get water on the tie. And I don’t want to drink much.

So I lift it up, the water. I see we have a little glass of water, 

where the hell did this water come from? Where did it come from!?

And I look down at my tie, because I’ve done it. I’ve taken water,

and it spills down onto your tie, it doesn’t look good for a long time.

And frankly the tie is never the same. So I put it up to my lip 

and then I say – because I don’t want it! Just in case. 

And they gave me another disease. They gave me another disease. 

Anyway that’s a long story. But here’s the story. I have lived with the ramp and the

water since I left West Point. Not one media group said I made a good speech,

or I made a great speech. But the kids loved it because they broke their barrier,

which wasn’t good in terms of COVID. But they broke their barrier and they

wanted to shake hands, they wanted to – and I don’t want to tell anybody, but

there were a couple of kids, they put out their hand; I actually shook their hand.

OK? I actually shook it. Cause they were excited. They were excited! They were with

their President, they were excited. The most beautiful, young people. Men, women.

The most beautiful young people you’ve ever seen. Think about how you feel,

if you’re me. So I go there. ‘How did I do?'  ‘Sir, that was a great speech.’ You know,

all my people. ‘Sir, that was one of your best, that was great.’ And I say,

‘That’s great, I agree, it was a good speech. I liked that speech.’ They don’t

mention the speech. But they have me going down this ramp at an inch

at a time. It’s so unfair. It really is. So unfair. They are among the most dishonest

people anywhere on Earth. They’re bad people. Bad people.

OK, that’s enough of that. I wanted to tell that story.

Notes:

‘Oh that’s right, I have to make a commencement speech at West Point.’ Is it possible that he's this unaware of his own schedule, that he needs to prod himself this way into remembering?

they delayed it for six weeks because of COVID. So they delayed it. Sorry, no, they cancelled it. Until Trump got jealous because Pence got to give a military commencement address at the Air Force Academy and ordered them to give him one too. Old Two-Scoops.

Studied Studied a lot of our great generals, some of our presidents that went there. West Point is beautiful. Sure, Jan. I bet you studied them really hard.

we walk like, the equivalent of about three blocks, which was fine. We go on stage, which is fine. They make some speeches, then I make a speech. It lasted a long time, I don’t know, maybe 45 minutes, maybe longer, I don’t know, but a long time. The sun is pouring down on me. OK? The amount of labor he's put himself through, even before the saluting marathon. As usual, every time he says "That's fine" he means it's an imposition on his time and he's pissed off. Even though the cadets are so beautiful. He's there for the photos and admiration, not to listen to some other jerk's voice, and the least they can do is give him some air conditioning (little dig about having it outdoors to save electricity).

Do you know what that is? Six hundred times. Thank God they were in twos. Cause let me tell you, you do that six hundred times, you go home and you say – it’s like doing a workout without a weight, right? Six hundred times. So I did that. He'll be building up asymmetrical bulk on his right side with all this crazy strength training neglecting the left. It probably really did take an hour and a half, at nine seconds per salute.

And by the way, their tape – take a look. In almost every instance, it ends just before I run. It always goes all the way through to this relieved little jaunt after you reach uninclined safety.

I call my wife and I said, ‘How good was it darling?’ She said, ‘You’re trending number one.’ I love this picture of their relationship; he calls her "darling", she follows Twitter for him (I've long suspected he doesn't read Twitter at all, but I don't think Lady Macbeth there does either).

‘Well, it wasn’t only the ramp. Did you have water?’ I said, ‘Yeah, I was speaking for a long time. I didn’t want to drink it, but I wanted to wet my lips a little bit.’ You know, you’re working hard up there with the sun pouring down on you. Normally, he's too tough to take any water, but in that excessive sun (which oddly makes the steel ramp extra slippery) he's literally forced. As to the red tie, WikiHow informs me there's a real danger, though you don't need to dry clean it :

No matter how hard you try, sometimes accidents happen. Whether you were caught in the rain with a silk handbag, or spilled a glass of water over your favorite silk tie, the water can be absorbed and leave its mark. Even though the label may tell you to dry clean your item, it is possible to remove water marks on your own.

Where the hell did this water come from? That snake oil gesture really tickles me, where he finds the prop water in the lectern and pulls it out in feigned surprise, like, "Who on earth could have left this water right here where I could use it to demonstrate my famed ability to drink water with one hand and without Parkinson's?"