Trump Offs Iran’s Most Pathetic Statesman- Terrorist
Suleimani thought he was an empire builder, but turned out to be a grave digger instead, and it was his own grave, har har.
“Suck on this,” said Abubakr, passing me a Wadi al Taym nightshade reefer in the cold hills outside Beirut, but I had a deadline to meet, maybe the deadline I'd been waiting a lifetime for, to comment on, to illuminate, to swoon over the process that will lead one day to the renaming of Azadi Square in Tehran as Donald Square, as God is my witness.
Why? Because Donald J. Trump just ordered the assassination, and I use that word advisedly, of possibly the stupidest man in Iran and certainly, of all the fabled Middle Eastern strategists I could name for you on a dark kif-scented night around a campfire, the least deserving of his fabled reputation: Maj. Gen. Qassim Suleimani, or Qassem Soleimani, or however those devious copy boys may wish to spell it. That guy was a jerk like you wouldn't believe, and Trump will be sung forever in the masnavi meter of the Shahnameh, “Hai Donald! Hai Trump! You offed that stupid chump!” or words to that effect. Like every great man in history who has assassinated a profoundly stupid person and inferior strategist.
Think of all the colossal errors Suleimani made in his long career. Or at least think of one of them! Because that’s as much as my research assistant could get through, before we got hold of the nightshade, and it was a big one, following the signing of the 2015 nuclear agreement in which the United States, European Union, Russia, and China, all agreed to lift practically all their sanctions on Iran if Iran would simply stop acting as if it was developing a nuclear weapon for the next 15 years, and did Suleimani stop acting as if he was developing a nuclear weapon?
Well, he did not ever act as if he was developing a nuclear weapon, because that wasn’t his job, but he did do stuff I would not have advised him to do, and which was not mentioned in the Joint Comprehensive Plan Of Action, like maintaining Iran-backed armies in Lebanon, the Palestinian occupied territories, Syria, and Iraq, where they played a distinguished role in combating the Islamic State. Who the hell asked them to do that? Other than the Iraqi government and other tangential agencies?
Well, in a certain sense you might say nobody really needed to ask them, since it wasn’t mentioned in the Joint Comprehensive Plan Of Action, and the Obama administration was planning to discuss these things later on, or under a subsequent U.S. administration, but what kind of strategist would fail to anticipate that a malevolent and illiterate circus clown might take over the U.S. government and not understand any of this and abandon the Joint Comprehensive Plan Of Action and any of their allies, Kurdish, Arab, or Persian, who he found to be annoying? This is why Suleimani deserved to die, because he didn't have a fucking clue about what I would have done in similar circumstances.
Well, he sort of had a clue, because these Iranian armies started to become pretty unpopular, and were denounced in massive popular demonstrations in Lebanon, and Iraq from Basra to Najaf, and here’s where the genius of Donald J. Trump really starts to weigh in. With his swift action in punishing one of the Iran-backed militias and getting Suleimani martyred, he completely turned the situation around, proving that if Hillary Clinton had been elected president everything would have been completely different and turning the restive populations of Lebanon, Iraq, and Iran against him instead, unexpectedly united in the hatred of the United States or at least its current government! Trump showed how Suleimani could have achieved all his major aims, if he hadn't been so dumb!
Oh wait, I think that nightshade is starting to kick in.
Why? Because Donald J. Trump just ordered the assassination, and I use that word advisedly, of possibly the stupidest man in Iran and certainly, of all the fabled Middle Eastern strategists I could name for you on a dark kif-scented night around a campfire, the least deserving of his fabled reputation: Maj. Gen. Qassim Suleimani, or Qassem Soleimani, or however those devious copy boys may wish to spell it. That guy was a jerk like you wouldn't believe, and Trump will be sung forever in the masnavi meter of the Shahnameh, “Hai Donald! Hai Trump! You offed that stupid chump!” or words to that effect. Like every great man in history who has assassinated a profoundly stupid person and inferior strategist.
Think of all the colossal errors Suleimani made in his long career. Or at least think of one of them! Because that’s as much as my research assistant could get through, before we got hold of the nightshade, and it was a big one, following the signing of the 2015 nuclear agreement in which the United States, European Union, Russia, and China, all agreed to lift practically all their sanctions on Iran if Iran would simply stop acting as if it was developing a nuclear weapon for the next 15 years, and did Suleimani stop acting as if he was developing a nuclear weapon?
Well, he did not ever act as if he was developing a nuclear weapon, because that wasn’t his job, but he did do stuff I would not have advised him to do, and which was not mentioned in the Joint Comprehensive Plan Of Action, like maintaining Iran-backed armies in Lebanon, the Palestinian occupied territories, Syria, and Iraq, where they played a distinguished role in combating the Islamic State. Who the hell asked them to do that? Other than the Iraqi government and other tangential agencies?
Well, in a certain sense you might say nobody really needed to ask them, since it wasn’t mentioned in the Joint Comprehensive Plan Of Action, and the Obama administration was planning to discuss these things later on, or under a subsequent U.S. administration, but what kind of strategist would fail to anticipate that a malevolent and illiterate circus clown might take over the U.S. government and not understand any of this and abandon the Joint Comprehensive Plan Of Action and any of their allies, Kurdish, Arab, or Persian, who he found to be annoying? This is why Suleimani deserved to die, because he didn't have a fucking clue about what I would have done in similar circumstances.
Well, he sort of had a clue, because these Iranian armies started to become pretty unpopular, and were denounced in massive popular demonstrations in Lebanon, and Iraq from Basra to Najaf, and here’s where the genius of Donald J. Trump really starts to weigh in. With his swift action in punishing one of the Iran-backed militias and getting Suleimani martyred, he completely turned the situation around, proving that if Hillary Clinton had been elected president everything would have been completely different and turning the restive populations of Lebanon, Iraq, and Iran against him instead, unexpectedly united in the hatred of the United States or at least its current government! Trump showed how Suleimani could have achieved all his major aims, if he hadn't been so dumb!
Oh wait, I think that nightshade is starting to kick in.
No comments:
Post a Comment