Shorter David Brooks, "A Sensible Version of Donald Trump", October 27 2015:
Voters these days are fed up with experienced politicians (I mean except for some Democrats, who seem to be interested in Hillary Clinton, deep in politics since 1974, or Bernie Sanders, who ran his first campaign in 1972 and kept pushing until he won his first mayoral contest nine years later), and looking at complete outsiders like Dr. Ben Carson and Donald Trump, and I get that, but what they really need is a Donald Trump who is totally unlike Donald Trump in every significant way. You know, sensible. I mean, he'd still be really rich and all those goons who want to vote for him would still want to vote for him, but other than that. He could start with this very intellectual-sounding speech I wrote for him.
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| Bernard Gilliam (1884), the unveiling of James G. Blaine. Via Wikipedia. |
The Sensible Trump
Oh the Sensible Trump
Is a creature most rare
He doesn't talk trash
Or comb over his hair
Or make idle boasts
That are lighter than air
When he speaks from the stump,
The Sensible Trump!
The Sensible Trump
Isn't vulgar or rude
He is never a loud
And insensitive dude
For you can't win a race
Out of pure attitude
Or by being a grump
Such a sensible Trump
The Sensible Trump
Could prevail in '16
Not by acting the toddler
And venting his spleen
But by tacking to center
And regressing to mean
As a classic Mugwump
Nonpartisan Trump
The Sensible Trump
Leaves his fantasies buried
And his income up front
And his interest uncarried
To focus on women
Who haven't been married,
A statistical clump—
Such a wonky old Trump
To the Sensible Trump
What is setting us back
Isn't immigrant rapists
Or folks being black
But the working-class failure
To stay on the track
Till it gets to the jump:
That noblesse-oblige Trump!
To the Sensible Trump
We must roll up our sleeves
And follow what James
Pethokoukis believes*
With respect on both sides
Just like Wooster and Jeeves
And a jaunty fist-bump,
Postpolitical Trump
The Sensible Trump
Doesn't troll or cock snooks
He passes the time
With grave policy books
Sounding sober and measured
Like David F. Brooks
As he sits on his rump
The Sensible Trump
Oh the Sensible Trump
Is a creature most rare!
He is ever so humble
Judicious and fair
And impeccably coiffed
And just so debonair
When he's working the ump
The Sensible Trump!
*I.e., that you can learn from the social mobility research of Raj Chetty et al. without ever adverting to the concept of wealth and income inequality, which merely hurts rich people's feelings. Just move all the poors to Lake Wobegon so they can be above average too.
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