Monday, October 12, 2015

My nomination

Now that everybody's aware that a Speaker of the House doesn't constitutionally need to be a member of the House, people are starting to make some novel endorsements, like Senator Tom Cotton's (evidently sincere) suggestion (h/t BooMan) of former House minority whip (January–March 1989) and chair of the House Republican Caucus (January 1987–January 1989) Richard Bruce Cheney, who has served with distinction or at least distinguishability in three out of the four branches of government, including one he invented himself (others may think outside the box, but he thinks outside the whole building), and can be expected to be a great disciplinarian, since he never hesitates to order torture. And unquestionably has lots of heart, thank to his foresight in getting himself a great health insurance plan.

Image via Daily Inspiration with Dick Cheney/Funny or Die.
But then at 74, Cheney's older than Sanders or Biden, and he doesn't exactly stand for fresh new approaches. And the longer he's out in public the more people will be certain he's a vampire. I think Republicans should use this opportunity for some of that rebranding, to speak to today's youth and minority voters, taking advantage of the flexibility of the speakership rules to do something truly audacious: I give you

Image via Right Wing News.
Self-described bright, new, young conservative sensation CJ Pearson!

He's a handsome and very articulate young man of color, deeply loyal to conservative principles but branding-conscious like nothing you've ever seen, and happy to fabricate evidence for trivial accusations of presidential misbehavior ("You blocked me from your Twitter account, tyrant!" "Sadly, no.") At thirteen, he's too young to run for president, but for Speaker, anything goes!

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