Monday, March 14, 2022

Pitch: Woke Pork


My forthcoming political gothic, Pajama Boy, recounts the adventures of Kyndle, a patriotic Christian blonde first-year law student at Rutgers (she should have gone to Princeton, but Law Students of Color had snatched up all the spots, with their heartrending sob stories of deprived youth in lieu of good LSAT scores, no doubt, not that hers was that great, but it just had to be better than most of them—why, most of them didn't even know they owed the Civil Rights Act to Republicans! Or asked her some of those snotty Critical Race Theory questions like "So, what parts of the Civil Rights Act do you support?" just because she happened to mention how she didn't like affirmative action and it turned out that was actually in the Civil Rights Act, which just shows how sneaky they've been all along.

Anyway, when Kyndle runs into Fivush, a skinny boy with too-curly hair and a flannel shirt she spots trying to register student voters on campus, she knows right away she's witnessing one of those voter fraud operations that steal elections from real Americans, and she's determined to stop it by any means necessary, and that's where the shenanigans start. Because it's so hard to figure out what he's doing that's illegal—no dead people or noncitizens showing up at his booth. In fact he even registers her, after she's openly told him she's a Republican, like he doesn't even care. She needs to go deeper and deeper underground, until she's somehow spending a winter weekend at his parents' house, in pajamas, drinking cocoa, and helping the old folks sign up for Obamacare, and before you know it she's finding out that Fivush has chest hair and she has a G-spot, and how's she going to explain that to Biff, the anal-oriented football player she's been dating since they were 14? Biff probably thinks a G-spot is a Bitcoin denomination!

And next comes the time when she's a couple of weeks late and Fivush just calmly says he's glad abortion law is so easy in New Jersey and it's against Jewish law to oppose abortion in any case. And he's really awed by the multiorgasmic thing but he's made a vow never to produce a child that's unambiguously white. Now what's she going to do?

I think I'm going to call the series "Woke Pork".

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