Sixteen scandals

Do not talk to this man unless a State Department lawyer is present. Jason Chaffetz, AP photo.

Thanks to Peggy Noonan, with her expert knowledge of how things work in a conspiratorial White House, I am starting at last to get a fix on what might have happened during the Benghazi incident in the alternate universe where Republicans are right about things.

I

President's private office, White House, 11 September 2012, 4:00 PM.

HENCHMAN: Mr. President? Bad news from Libya, I'm afraid.

OBAMA: Curses! Ex Africa semper aliquid novi! What is it this time?


HENCHMAN: Our consulate in Benghazi seems to be under attack.

OBAMA: God damn it! I suppose it's a sophisticated terrorist group allied to Al Qa'eda celebrating the anniversary of 9/11?

HENCHMAN: That's not clear, sir.

OBAMA: Just wait, you'll see.

HENCHMAN: So what are we going to do about it?

OBAMA: Do?

HENCHMAN: You know, scramble some F-16s? Call up a FAST team?

OBAMA: No, no, it's too late.

HENCHMAN: Too late?

OBAMA: Election's only two months away! The F-16s will never get there in time.

Talking Points. By Monte Hayward.

II

Later that afternoon. President on the phone with Secretary Clinton.

OBAMA: Hillary? I just got an email on the Benghazi situation from the Operations Center in Foggy Bottom.

CLINTON: Really? I wish those guys would write to me sometimes. I'm the one who's supposed to be their boss, after all.

OBAMA: They're saying a group called Ansar Al-Sharia claims responsibility for the attack.

CLINTON: Uh-oh.

OBAMA: What do you know about them?

CLINTON: Well, they have Sharia in their name. That's pretty ominous.

III

Saturday.

RICE: Mr. President, I know what's going on here.

OBAMA: What's that, Susan?

RICE: You know about that video, Innocence of Muslims?

OBAMA: I'll say! It's sparking riots everywhere there's a US embassy, in Cairo, Sanaa, Khartoum, Athens, Tunis, Jakarta, and Islamabad, to name a few.

RICE: But not in Benghazi?

OBAMA: Well, we don't have an embassy there.

RICE: But we do have an ambassador.

OBAMA: Had, Susan. He's dead. Along with a couple of fine Marines. I'll never get reelected now.

RICE: Oh, Mr. President, don't you see what I'm saying? There should have been a riot in Benghazi. This is all some crazy mistake. Or maybe somebody wanted it to be that way.

IV

Rice on the phone.

RICE: Hello? Office of Talking Points? Can I speak to an editor? I'm Ambassador Susan Rice of the United Nations—no, United States ambassador to the United Nations—and I need some refreshed talking points, for the Sunday morning shows. On the Benghazi crisis. Where it says the consulate was attacked by a sophisticated terrorist organization? Scratch that. We want to tell them it was attacked by angry Muslims. Yes, I understand that, we just don't want to tie it into any angry Muslims in particular. We want to tie it into that video.

Scrambled Jets. Jeff Zelevansky/Getty

V

Sunday afternoon

OBAMA: Well, Susan, you certainly saved my ass that time. I guess I really owe you one.

RICE: Just as long as people don't think our consulate was attacked by an organized terroristic group, that's all I care about.

OBAMA: Oh, don't worry about that. I don't think there's a chance of it now, unless you get some hotshot young investigator like Representative Chaffetz out there... Nobody but viewers of the major television networks and readers of the Washington Post will ever know.

Via Vixen Strangely.